Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Manic Monday

When Holly came back Sunday night I sat down with her and told her what was happening this week so I don’get any oooohhhhh I don’t want to do that behaviour. We had a lovely chat and she confided that she had cried in school on Friday and I reassured her that it is ok to cry as it is all part of the healing process. She said she didn’t want the sympathy factor at school and said it was down to how she handled this really. Everything here is fine we just have a bit of a hard year in front of us that’s all and she can let them know we are fine thank you and that as her friends, she has to remember they care about her.

Monday I got into work after a good night’s sleep, (thanks Mr Z), business as usual as far as I’m concerned and set about doing my tasks. One of my friends at work has morning sickness take her by surprise. That’s it, lunchtime task is to get a selection of Ginger biscuits and she can rate them for me and give them marks out of 10 for when I have my chemo treatment. She has agreed to take on this clinical trial hosted by the informatics department and not the hospital trust. So off I shoot lunchtime to get the biscuits. Ok I’m cheap and go to Sainsbury’s and come back with a lovely selection for her to try. She’s been to Marks and Spencer’s comes back with Ginger and Rhubarb and they are lush. I have to leave else I will eat the packet. I know I have to build my strength but that is no excuse for robbing her biscuits!

Well I’m fine getting on with work, letting my contacts know to call me back Tuesday pm when I’m back in the office. In my head I have my C.T. scan Tuesday. Told that to the Guys the weekend Tuesday 11th March !! Clare J phones up from Barnstable. When I answer her call it takes me a while to realise who she is. I have a mental block. Shouldn’t do as her sister Karen is my sick monitor. She gets my “I’m really ill and can’t come to work” calls instead of Kath. Don’t ask just accept it happens. Only twice I might add and it made David laugh when I told him in Hospital last year. When Clare has identified herself and I realise who I am talking to, she’s called to offer practical help with Holly during my chemo. When I know when my bed days are they are happy to come and take holly out for the day and also when I am recovering invite me over to stay over. I thank her for her kind offer and will put this into my practical plan when I write it. I admit I can’t wait to go to the beach. Any beach really I just want to sit and stare but my commitments won’t let me do that for a while. I will have to get Rachel to take me to Charmouth when she’s on first sick bucket duty.

After we had finished I got on with what I was doing and something made me check the date Monday 9th March , so Tuesday 11 March doesn’t exist, so CT Scan is on Wednesday 11th March. What a dohnut !!! I shake it off but realise I just want to come home. My safe haven. I politely let my colleague know I am going home but have worried her so she follows me out to ensure I am ok to drive and the tears flow. I know it’s not the first time I or anyone else has done this nor will it be the last but I feel really silly. Thankfully I find out today and not Tuesday morning at 8am when I have turned up at the hospital !! See always counting my blessings.

I arrive home and before I can go upstairs to cry the phone goes and it is Occupational Health calling , Do I want to accept a cancelled appt they have for Tuesday at 11.15am as it is unlikely to get in for a while. I accept, reason for everything I think. I phone the breast care team at MPH, please can I go round and see the chemo treatment room, this will help with the anxiety I feel about the whole process, yes no problem, come round tomorrow after your scan. Yes my CT Scan booked for Wednesday not Tuesday, 11th March. It’s is also suggested as my throat contracted earlier when I got upset that I see the GP to see if there is anything they can give to help keep me calm as I need to be fit for the chemo. I confirmed I do not want to go on anti-depressants, but she reminded me how they put me back in control and perhaps just something short term to deal with the anxiety. We’ll see and accept her offer to call the surgery. Also asked if will be ok to bring Holly with me when I meet with the Hairstylist at the hospital . Yep that’s ok. Brilliant all Fab then, oh and would I consider seeing a counsellor. Do I need one , I realise that she can’t see me nodding so just say ok and that’s all that done now.

What a flaf. I have decided I am going to get a diary to put in my dates, am also going to get a scrap book so will stick all the messages I have received along with this journal so when I have a trauma moment I can read it and calm down. Something small, not unusual but it frightened me, not sure why it never use to bother me before. Must be hormones !!

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